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Increasing the Least Liked Aspect of EI:  Self-Control

Emotional intelligence (EI) is an increasingly important competence because it helps us respond to life’s challenges and interact with others in a way that can improve our home and work environments. EI is a key component of compassion and understanding, and it helps us know and understand how others feel, communicate, and be self and socially aware.  This is the repository of skills and abilities that help us identify, understand and manage our own emotions and identify and empathize with the emotions of others.

As we’ve discussed over the last few weeks, these emotion-related behaviors consist of 15 core facets including:  self-awareness, empathy, social skills, self-control, motivation, managing emotions, internal motivation, customer relationship management, asking questions, leadership, strong communication skills, showing genuine interest in others, and learning.  But, of these, one is a sort of secret weapon to those striving for success.

Self-control refers to the ability to manage our impulses, regulate our emotions, and delay gratification in favor of long-term goals. It’s the voice whispering “not yet” when faced with a tempting distraction, the inner strength that allows us to prioritize a healthy meal prep over a quick fast-food fix, and the steadfast focus that keeps us grinding through a challenging project. This vital skill isn’t a static reservoir, however. It’s a dynamic force, susceptible to depletion and replenishment.

Of all the facets of EI, the one that is most useful and yet most lacking (and thus most loathed) is self-control.  That’s because willpower — the ability to control one’s own attention, emotions, and desires — has an impact on physical health, financial security, relationships, and professional success.  We all know the important of “self-control”.  We know we’re supposed to be in control of every aspect of our lives, from what we eat to what we do, say, and buy.

And yet, while people may brag that they are highly motivated or strong communicators or crow about their customer relationship management expertise, one seldom hears anyone boast about having a high level of “self-control.”   In fact, quite the contrary.  Most people feel like willpower failures—in control one moment but overwhelmed and out of control the next.  In fact, the American Psychological Association reports that Americans identify a lack of willpower as the number-one reason they struggle to meet their goals. Many feel guilty about letting themselves and others down. Others feel at the mercy of their thoughts, emotions, and cravings.  Some feel that their lives are dictated by impulses rather than conscious choices. Even the best-controlled feel a kind of exhaustion at keeping it all together and wonder if life is supposed to be such a struggle. 

That’s why self-control is the red-headed stepchild of all the facets of Emotional Intelligence.  Self-control is a struggle.  So the pendulum has even begun to swing in the other direction.  There are now articles talking about the dark side of self-control and why too much self-control can be a bad thing.  While no one thinks a person can have too much empathy or self-awareness, there is a growing belief that self-control isn’t always a good thing. Being “overcontrolled” can also be bad for your mental health.

The Power of Willpower

In truth, self-control is the undervalued but critically important attribute needed for success. While technical expertise and charisma are frequently lauded as the keys to success, self-control is actually the silent maestro, orchestrating our thoughts, emotions, and actions towards long-term goals. It’s the bridge between desire and achievement, the invisible force propelling us forward despite tempting detours.

To really grasp the value of self-control, it’s important to understand how this aspect of personality works… and why it is often either deficient in some or overpowering in others.  It helps to imagine self-control as a muscle. Every decision, every resisted temptation, every moment of focus expends a bit of its energy. Just like an exhausted athlete, our self-control weakens when depleted. This explains why a stressful morning can make us more likely to indulge in an unhealthy snack or why a frustrating email exchange can lead to a hasty response. However, much like a muscle, self-control can be strengthened through practice. Meditation, setting clear goals, and prioritizing healthy sleep all contribute to a stronger reserve of self-control.

So why, despite its immense value, is self-control often the unsung hero of success stories? Leaders may tout innovation or strategic thinking, but rarely do they explicitly acknowledge the importance of self-control. Perhaps it’s because self-control isn’t flashy. It’s the behind-the-scenes work, the quiet determination that paves the way for visible, noisy achievement. It’s the foundation on which other skills are built. Without self-control, even the most brilliant minds struggle to translate ideas into action.

That too much self-control can be detrimental is a misconception. While some argue that it stifles creativity or prevents us from taking necessary risks, actually, a balanced approach is essential.  These concerns often stem from some who confuse self-control with rigidity. Self-control doesn’t mean suppressing emotions altogether.  It is about managing them constructively. It allows us to take calculated risks, embrace discomfort during growth phases, and remain flexible in our approach while staying true to our long-term vision.

Business Success – The Byproduct of Self-Control

The true power of self-control and willpower lies in the way it keeps us pushing through setbacks and overcoming challenges. Look at any successful person, and you’ll see an underlying current of self-control and grit propelling them forward.  People who have better control of their attention, emotions, and actions are better off almost any way you look at it. They are happier and healthier. Their relationships are more satisfying and last longer. They make more money and go further in their careers. They are better able to manage stress, deal with conflict, and overcome adversity. They even live longer.

When pitted against other virtues, self-control and willpower come out on top. Self-control is a better predictor of academic success than intelligence.  So much for IQ or SATs.  Self-control is a stronger determinant of effective leadership than charisma.  Bad news for Tony Robbins and Sir Richard Branson.   And it is more important for marital bliss than empathy.  Indeed, the secret to lasting marriage may be learning when and how to keep quiet.  If we want to improve our lives, willpower is not a bad place to start.

In business, self-control forms the foundation for effective leadership by influencing numerous aspects.

1. Decision-Making – Leaders with strong self-control can make sound, well-considered decisions under pressure, avoiding impulsive choices that can have detrimental consequences.
2. Emotional Regulation – Self-control allows leaders to stay calm and composed in challenging situations, preventing emotional outbursts that can damage team morale and relationships.
3. Focus and Discipline – It enables leaders to maintain focus on long-term goals and resist distractions that can derail progress.
4. Resilience – Self-control equips leaders to bounce back from setbacks and persevere through challenges.

Self-control is intricately linked to another critical aspect of success: grit. Grit refers to the passion, perseverance, and resilience needed to achieve long-term goals. People with strong willpower, fueled by self-control, are more likely to exhibit grit, as they can stay focused and motivated even in the face of challenges.

A Spectacular Self-Control Success Story

Business is filled with great examples of individuals who leveraged their self-control to achieve incredible success.  But perhaps one of the most famous and successful is Warren Buffett.  Buffett was a teenage horse handicapper who grew up into a deep reader of Moody’s and Standard and Poor’s reports.  A quintessential example of self-control, by most accounts, Buffett is a data-processing, information-consuming, hard-thinking, analytical machine. His ability to outperform the market has been based on decisions guided by hard data and an uncanny understanding of business fundamentals, not bubbles, trends and hype. 

Dubbed the “Oracle of Omaha” for his disciplined investment strategy, Buffett prioritized long-term value over short-term gains.  His remarkable self-control has allowed him to resist market volatility and emotional investment decisions even during turbulent times.  That’s how he avoided getting caught in market bubbles and panics, such as the Great Recession. Buffett’s rule “buy when everyone else is selling, sell when everyone else is buying” requires enormous self-assurance and self-control to execute.  And yet, even the Oracle of Omaha is not totally immune to the allure of irrational behavior. He is what Behavioral Economists call a sophisticate: someone who understands his irrationality and builds systems to cope with it. (The other types of people are either the “rational,” who never deviate from optimal behavior, and the “naif,” who are unaware of their irrationality and therefore don’t do anything to address it.)

Even Buffett’s daily schedule is a testament to self-control.  He is known to spend most of his day, every day, just researching and reading the financials of different companies.  He avoids meetings and doesn’t have many gatekeepers.  Few have the tenacity, focus and will power to still sit and read company financials all day every day if they knew they had billions in the bank and were old enough to retire.

Flex Your Self-Control Muscle

Self-control, like any muscle, needs regular exercise to stay strong.  Here are 10 tips to help build and maintain self-control.

1. Identify Triggers – Self-improvement starts with self-awareness. Recognize the situations, emotions, or cues that typically weaken self-control. Is it stress that leads to unhealthy snacks? Does boredom lead to social media instead of focused work? Once triggers are known, it is possible to develop strategies to manage them.
2. Set SMART Goals – Vague goals like “be more disciplined” are hard to track and lack motivation. Set Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound (SMART) goals that provide a clear roadmap for the self-control journey.
3. Practice Mindfulness – Mindfulness helps one become aware of thoughts and emotions without judgment. Techniques like meditation can train the brain to observe urges without acting impulsively, providing space to make conscious choices.
4. Prioritize Sleep – A well-rested mind is better equipped to handle challenges and resist temptations. Aim for 7-8 hours of quality sleep each night to keep self-control reserves topped up.
5. Plan Your Environment – Out of sight, out of mind! To resist sugary snacks, avoid buying them and storing them where they are easy to access. If the struggle is with social media distractions, silence notifications or set specific times for checking them.
6. Reward Small Successes (Strategically) – Positive reinforcement goes a long way. Set up a reward system for achieving self-control goals. But choose rewards that align with the long-term goals. Celebrating a week of healthy eating with an evening out is great.  Splurging on a high-calorie dessert isn’t.
7. Forgive Slips – Everyone makes mistakes. There is no value in punishing a moment of weakness.  Acknowledge it.  Learn from it. Recommit to goals. Self-compassion is key to staying motivated.
8. Break Down Big Goals – Large, overwhelming goals can be paralyzing. Break them down into smaller, more manageable steps. This makes them less daunting and provides a sense of accomplishment as they are checked off.
9. Find an Accountability Partner – Having someone for support and accountability can be incredibly motivating. Share goals with a friend, family member, or coach who can offer encouragement and a gentle nudge when needed.
10. Practice Makes Progress – Perfect does not exist.  Building self-control takes time and consistent effort. Don’t get discouraged by setbacks. Celebrate successes, big and small, and keep practicing self-control skills in everyday situations. With each conscious choice, the self-control muscle is being strengthened.

Armed with these tips, it’s time to start building self-control, and raising your Emotional Quotient (EQ) score.  It is the key to your success, if you just use it.

Quote of the Week

“Such power there is in clear-eyed self-restraint.”  James Russell Lowel

© 2024, Keren Peters-Atkinson. All rights reserved.